The moment we have all been waiting for…It’s Love and Sun and Magic…Fantasy Suites in Saint Lucia with buckets of Purell and various other sanitizers have arrived!!  I wonder if a company makes bleach body wash?  Do you think all three Fantasy nights occur in the same room?  Gross!  Anyways, the hands were clappin’ and the feet were tappin’ in anticipation of this episode!

Golden coins to whoever can guess the exact amount of times the word “heart” was said in this episode. 

[Insert opening song]  “Alright stop, collaborate and listen…Erin is here with a recap condition.  The Bachelor…grabbed a hold of us tightly, we hope for the drama daily and nightly.  Will it ever stop, yo, I don’t know….”  Okay enough Vanilla Ice…….so it starts out where Jake’s hotel phone is ringing…”Annnd Action…” cameras are staged accordingly in the room preparing for his “spontaneous” call and Jake casually walks into the room to answer the phone in his sea foam t-shirt.  Ring Ring…Jake answers “Hello…?”  As if he has no clue who is on the line…  Alli  of course.  She says she made a mistake and wants to come back.  How did she obtain his phone number?  He rubs his face for what appears to be ten minutes.  Alli doesn’t think she’ll meet someone like Jake again and Jake reveals that he is into polygamy and already has like 14 wives back in Texas…heh heh.

OOPS!  Son of a fish!  Last week I forgot to include Jake’s packing list for his 3 fantasy nights in St. Lucia.  So here is what could probably have been found in his suit case.  I am thinking………..a fanny pack, chicken nuggets in the shape of dinosaurs, a Geisha uniform for Gia, candy necklace, spray on tanner, goggles, a rig-shaw,  noodle necklace, Indian Chief vest made out of a Safeway paper bag, a sign language book, neck pillow, 12 turtle doves, apron that says “Boss of the Sauce”, Applebee’s menu, WNBA jersey of Lisa Leslie, Rice pilaf, pumpkin margarita, Flippy flopeez, Aquanet, Shake’n’bake, a member of the fun police, a thesaurus, cornucopia of tap dance shoes, gold speed skating outfit, a pet roomba named Wendall, In’n’Out secret sauce, unicycle, scuba gear, 4 color pen, spelling bee manual, trapper keeper to hold his notes on each girl, peanut butter jelly and a baseball bat, WD40, fishing pole, turquoise jean jacket, Transformer tighty undies, a cup-o-noodles, jump rope, crest white strips, ab roller, walkman in case the girls get boring to listen to, karate outfit, scoop of rainbow sherbet, a pack a smokes, a churro, Tae Bo VHS tape with Billy Blanks, chop sticks, a banjo, a side of gravy, pilot outfit duh, a Dr. Suess book and ribbon for ribbon dancing for Tenley, a pair of prescription glasses for Vienna to make her not cross eyed, kimono #4 for Gia, case of muscle milk, roller blades, C+C Music Factory cd…….and an antibiotic and Valtrex just in case.

Saint Lucia is so beautiful!  Jake is walking along the water in what appears to be jean shorts and an orange slap wrap.  He is wishing Alli didn’t leave.  Flash over to Alli in San Francisco sleeping in her bathrobe, has her hair did, is wearing full make-up and shedding tears of sadness.  There are professional pictures of Jake conveniently located on the night stand in which she starts to gaze into. The show wants us to think she is home and depressed but clearly she is in some random hotel room they rented for an hour to do this sadness scene…I mean…no one has that random beige hotel cord phone next to their bed at home I promise.  If you do own that phone…I will be over in 10 minutes to confiscate it.  And sleeping in a robe?  I am at target heart rate right now just imagining how hot that must be to sleep in!

Fantasy Date #1 – Gia in Saint Lucia.  I like how that rhymes.  Gia walks up to surprise Jake who is standing on this beautiful lookout point on a cliff staring into the distance in deep thought.  She fake sneaks up behind and hugs him…Jake is completely surprised!  Gosh bagosh!  He can’t believe she is there to surprise him?  Oh come on silly…the producer told him to pretend to be surprised.  So they proceed to walk up to a higher lookout point, he points out the beautiful boat he has rented for them and then 5 seconds later they walk back down again…seems like they could have bypassed the walk up and down and gone straight to this florescent yellow fishing boat that I am surprised even has a motor…economy is rough people.  They take the boat to the shore (they have no chance in this little fishing boat if Jaws pays a visit), walk through the town, buy some random trinkets, Jake gets Gia a random beaded necklace to match his Rasta necklace.  They drink out of coconuts and see a local band do a reenactment of Stomp.  She says “for the rest of my life I will wear this necklace on my……(drum roll)..……wrist.”  At least she is honest.  It is the thought that counts but definitely on the wrist is a good call with that bead frenzy. 

They have dinner at the beach…table covered in sea creatures and shells with a Rasta table cloth.  They are sweet together…Gia ia such a sweet girl!  And Jake does his first “all the way” kiss!  They go sit in a hammock swinging from the cliff.  Jake gives Gia the Fantasy Suite card…she says “I am ready to go all the way.”  No filter.  We need a translator to confirm what she really means at times.  He says “I can honestly say that Gia could be the woman I propose to.”  That hammock hanging from the cliff looked amazing!  I am thinking I might hang one from my ceiling in front of my TV…perfect place relax, do some basket weaving, pop Bon Bons and watch reruns of The Bach.

Fantasy Date #2 – Tenley in Saint Lucia.  Jake and Tenley hop in a helicopter to fly to a remote spot for a picnic in the rain forest.  They look amazing together!  They seem to be a great fit for each other!  Cute conversation, a Hansel and Gretel walk through the rain forest, a skip-de-do along the black sand beach, lots of smooching, nice dinner, they dance barefooted and Tenley lets Jake lead her on the sway dance…..annnnd time for the FSC.  They probably spent the whole night having pillow fights, doing the Macarena, Irish jigging, making lanyards, playing TV tag, getting a sugar high from the candy in the mini bar, hop scotch, jumping on the bed to see how high they could jump, 10 rounds of Hungry Hungry Hippo’s  and watched a ton of Scooby Doo Reruns.  They might have even put up those glow in the dark stars on the ceiling from Nature Company to pretend they were star gazing.  Jake and Tenley could literally live on a cloud forever and ride a magic carpet every day and be totally happy!  Hopefully we stop hearing about the ex-husband soon…time to move forward.  Hope he doesn’t break Tenley’s heart though…I am rooting for our cartwheel queen!

Fantasy Date #3 – with the walking STD Vienna in Saint Lucia.  Phew…glad she was the last Fantasy date…well for the other girls sake at least.    So Vienna is a marketing rep…come on…we all know what that title would really mean for a girl like her.  She is probably a beer/liquor girl who goes to bars late at night in skimpy clothing and flirts with the men in order to promote slash “market” her beverage.  “Marketing Representative.”  Seems fitting!  Anyways, so they have their own pirate ship for the day.  On a side interview she tells us that she has never been in love before.  Okay.  Wasn’t she married once and engaged to someone else as well?  Call me crazy but how do you get engaged and married to people without being in love? 

This week Vienna is so down to earth she is in the storm drain.  Oh SNAP!  This is because there is tons of trashy press about her hitting the newsstands (do we still have newsstands?).  Jake seems like such a stand up guy…why is he choosing her?  My magic eight ball says this relationship will last for 5-8 seconds at the most.

So they are standing on the pirate ship, of course there are plastic pirate props everywhere…I mean of course there are.  Vienna puts a pirate patch across Jakes left eye and he proceeds to close the right eye…now he can’t see at all!  Then they toast using some random goblets. 

Jake:   ”We are so playful with each other!  If I’m playing rough with her [YUCK], she plays rough right back! [double YUCK!]“

Honestly I think Vienna should stop leading Jake on and just become a Raider-et.  Then they are laying and making out on the front of the boat catching some rays…he licks her across the face out of nowhere.  Excellent camera work from the neighboring ship.  Jake shoots the pirate cannon…I really feel like we are on the Pirates of the Caribbean ride at Disneyland.  Then they crawl up the netting to the top of the sail…of course Vienna climbs up first.  Okay I need to take a deep breath before this next part…wish I could skip through it but here goes.  Then more pirate props and more fashion violations.  Jake puts on a bandanna and has a one foot plastic sword…he makes her walk the plank and then pushes her in the water.  HOORAY!!  She is gone forever!!  So long sista’!  Crowd goes crazy!  Oh boy make it stop.  Then baby Bjorn again and kissing in the sand with waves crashing.

Dinner and FSC!  Definitely no elevator music at this party.  Ok here we go.  They are talking on the couch, then Vienna says she has a surprise for him…she leaves and returns in a white negligee.  Was this from her previous wedding night?  How convenient!  Waste not want not.  Jake is going for #3…going from “Mr. Dateless to Mr. Shortsless.”

Last week Alli could have won an Academy Award based on her emotional meltdown in the hallway.  However, this week not a tear was shed when she was having her conversation with Jake on the phone about wanting to come back blah blah blah…which leads us to believe it was staged…surprise surprise…so is she the next Bachelorette?  Rumor has it she is no longer working at FaceBook so that means she is probably filming right now!  Hopefully she is dating guys who are “here for the right reasons.”  So many questions that we want answers to!!  Will she wear yellow for the whole show?  Will she cry in the hallway again?  Will she continue to sleep in her robe?  Will she throw out that beige cord phone found near her bedside?  Will she learn how to do cartwheels to keep the tradition going?  Will she call Vienna and try to be BFF’s for life?  Will she run into the ocean again with a guy wearing her $400 boots?

Video messages: Tenley’s was very cute.  Gia’s took an hour to get through or she had trouble reading the cue cards…she loves…loves…loves…loves…loves.  Vienna is ready to flirt for 80 years with him…and probably every other guy in the world as well.  If that is the case…Jake will be 111 years old…that will be super hot to flirt with.

Can you imagine if today…the show called you and said you were going to be on the next Bachelor?  What would you do?  Time to break out the ab circle, the shake weight, the ab roller, start doing lunges, squats and toe touches every day from here on out 24 hours a day…eating icicles for every meal…lots of moisturizer and spray tanner and hair appointments and Sephora make-over’s…  Honestly though, I think I would rather try to recreate the perfect crop circle formation or listen to that fireflies song on repeat or search for a night rainbow with leprechauns dancing on it or look for a UFO and martens or listen to the same book on tape over and over than go on national TV and have everyone write blogs about me, my clothes or silly comments said…definitely don’t need a picture of me in a bathing suit on US Weekly either!

Recommendations for the cast for next week: cover up the tattoo’s, no more ex-husband talk (WE KNOW), no more saying the phrase “Mr. Dateless” because let’s be honest…who really dated in high school anyways?  Please no more staged “already been done before” fake scenes because we are onto them now and are no longer surprised by repetitive drama.  The show has to remember…some of us have been here for the long haul since day 1 of The Bach a million years ago.  Oh and PLEASE no more fake 1 foot swords or walking planks.  Thank you and good bye.

“SoSo” Ceremony.  Tenley and Vienna get roses.  So sad for Gia…such a nice girl…now she can go pursue being a Fly Girl for In Living Color.  Maybe she can EBay that necklace/bracelet.  Hope she finds the man of her dreams when she gets home though.  Kind of Jake to keep the bathing suit model around until after the FSC.

Jake returns to Tenley and Vienna…awkward group hug.

One would think the final rose ceremony might take place at a casino in Reno due to budget cuts once again…pleasantly surprised.  It looks like the Final Rose is held at a beautiful location!!  Although…what are the chances it is a back drop?  Anyways, Jake might choose Vienna because he thinks she puts the Range in the Rover.  She only wants to marry him tomorrow so she can be rescued from living in that reptile swamp in Florida with her parents.  Hope they have jazzercise for her in Texas in the event she moves there with him for 5 seconds until she is casted on Rock of Love.  Jake could get fed up with her and ship her off to Charm School with Ricki Lake though…just another potential option.  Or she could host her own talk show Jerry Springer style.  Vienna could focus her show on who cheated on who and “who da’ fathuh of my baby?!?!”  Or “GIT outta’ here lady becuz you took’d mah maaan!”  The possibilities are endless with a talk show.  We know she is in excellent shape so maybe she could host her own aerobics show in Hawaii with two backup dancers on FitTV.   After all that…Jake will be left with no wife……I guess he could call up Tenley like Jason Mesnick did and beg for her love?  Jake and Tenley appear to really be the best match for each other…hope he can take the blinders off STAT.  In order to get over his heartache…I prescribe 1 box of wine 1 box of See’s every day to heal through calories.

“Next week on the Bachelor!  The reunion show you won’t want to miss!  The most memorable women return!”  The trash raccoons are back!  Finger crossed Michelle and Roz are present.  Hope Michelle is no longer a ball of sadness and will be able to get released from the ward for the taping.   We don’t need any more of her ‘tude dudes.   We learn that Wes from last season was nominated for The Best Villain and he won…ugh…I thought we were never going to have to hear that annoying song he kept singing to Jillian again…”They say looooove…”  Looks like we are going to get to the bottom of Roz and her spooning snuggle fest sessions on the couch with the staffer…keeps getting better.  We see scenes from the Final Rose where it looks like both girls are crying or upset…does he pick himself and let both girls go?  Does Alli come back and he chooses her?  More Jason Mesnick crying.  Stay tuned for next week!

Out like trout.

erin